In these times of economic uncertainty, you might find the stress to be more than you can bear. You may feel like breaking down, and I can assure you that is a perfectly normal response. You may want to hit somebody until they feel as bad as you do. You may want to take out your aggression on strangers who fail to provide you with an appropriate level of customer service. You may even want to kill someone’s pet rabbit. But before you do, keep in mind that spontaneity has no place in a well-executed nervous breakdown. In order for your breakdown to be memorable and quoted for decades, you’ll need a well-rehearsed list of one-liners and a role model to emulate.
For example, if you feel a break down coming on at a hospital, doctor’s office, free clinic, or similar medical facility, you may want to draw inspiration from Shirley McClaine’s breakdown in Terms of Endearment.
If, however, you’re pushed over the edge by the death of a family member, a friend, a pet, or a celebrity, review Halle Berry’s work in Monster’s Ball. Alternatively, you may want to channel Sally Field in Steel Magnolias.
On the other hand, if you feel you’re just not getting the respect you deserve or a minor oversight is ready to send you over the edge, you can’t go wrong with Faye Dunaway in Mommie Dearest. (For guidance on road rage and parking spot theft, you may want to cross-reference Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes.)
When infidelity strikes, don’t hold back. A misdemeanor on your record is a small price to pay for a nervous breakdown that the neighbors will recount for years, as Angela Basset so brilliantly demonstrates in Waiting to Exhale. (If possible jail time is a concern, you may want to invoke a more witness-friendly approach to adultery retaliation as demonstrated by Diane Keaton in The First Wive’s Club.)
To recap, here are a few tips to help you plan your next loss of sanity:
- In a pinch, poor customer service can justify a breakdown on short notice, but save your outrage for low-security businesses such as fast-food chains and dry cleaners. A superb nervous breakdown at a bank or airport could be cut short by an inelegant taser zap or billy club blow to the head.
- Don’t leave your audience hanging. Smoking a cigarette can help punctuate your breakdown and provide closure.
- Arson can ensure that your breakdown is taken seriously. Be sure to research local ordinances and assess collateral damage before choosing a location.
- Incorporate music whenever possible. Pay a day laborer to follow you around with a boombox blaring “Sisters Are Doing It for Themselves” or Gnarls Barkley’s “Crazy.” This investment will yield high dividends in the long run.
