Many people don’t know that I have a mild case of globophobia—a fear of balloons. Technically it’s more a case of ligyrophobia, which is a fear of loud noises, since I’m not really afraid of the balloon itself. I’m primarily afraid that I’ll humiliate myself by screaming like a woman if a balloon pops in my presence. I’ve always been a little ashamed of my globophobia until I saw this crazy biznatch on Maury.

As insane as she seems, I have to say shame on you, Maury, for torturing this poor woman. You just know he and his crew had a grand ol’ time picking out the most terrifying assemblage of balloons in preparation for this show. I’m surprised they didn’t lock her in a plexiglass box filled with those scary cartoon character balloons that have paper maché arms and legs just so the audience could laugh as she soiled herself. I think he probably revealed some secret fear of clowns to Connie Chung years ago and she responded by dressing up like an Asian Ronald McDonald and creeping into bed just to see the look on his face in the morning.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, Maury. How can you be so cruel? And just look how insensitive he was to the poor girl who is terrified of pickles!

Best. Cutesy. Cat. Video. Ever.

The web is all abuzz about the newly launched peopleofwalmart.com. The site allows you to submit photos of distinctive Walmart shoppers which the site’s author refers to as “creatures.” The collection is small but growing and must be seen to be believed.

A friend sent along a link to these Hardees ads for biscuit holes. I think he sent it to me because I’m supposed to think the ads are terrible, but I thought they were kind of hilarious. Of course, I also like to shout, “Don’t put on that ring, Scroto Baggins!” when I watch The Lord of the Rings, so maybe you should hate these ads, too. But who can resist a chuckle when the man on the street suggests “creamy sweet holes?” Are they sure this wasn’t shot at a gay pride event?

Am I the only one who thinks they should have hired Madonna to gyrate around while eating a biscuit hole and singing, “My sugar is raw!”? I totally could have seen biscuit holes as the official sponsor of the Sticky and Sweet tour. It’s unfortunate that they were just a little too late on the scene.

This was on Dlisted a while back and I thought it was worth a re-post here. Enjoy!

I wish Dolly had been the commencement speaker at my graduation. I could listen to her talk about her own accomplishments and her boobs for hours.

While on vacation, I saw the following public service announcement that took me on a roller coaster of emotions.

At first I thought, “Oh my god! What’s this? A promo for a new TV series in which Sharon plays a ball-busting attorney who pulls no punches? Or maybe she’s a man-eating executive who manages her lady business with an iron fist. Or maybe she’s playing a ruthless photographer who will stop at nothing to have all of her skin flaws washed out by a large floodlight that her personal assistant shines on her wherever she goes.” Then she said she could leave me weak, limp, twisted, and confused, and I was sure she must be talking about that aggressive girl I dated for a few weeks in 11th grade. Then I realized this was some weird PSA to help people learn the symptoms of a stroke.

I’m not sure what’s worse—the way she chokes up at the end or the bizarre flash bulb effect or the fact that her face is cropped so closely I was afraid it would come out of the TV and get me like that soggy girl in The Ring. But, in my ongoing commitment to no longer pity people who have more money than me, I refuse to feel sorry for Sharon. She probably made more money for kicking Arnold Schwartzenegger in the balls while filming Total Recall than I make in a semester of verbally abusing college students for building ugly websites. So, despite her battle with spontaneous brain bleeding, she’ll get no pity from me.

If you like Ugly Betty, you might also enjoy Ugly Yeti. And if you love the raw, virile energy of The Fast and the Furious, you’ll love The Fast and the Bi-Curious. Also, Susan Boyle should stop by American Idol and show those kids how it’s done.

I have a renewed respect for Kelly Ripa after rediscovering this old SNL clip while highlighting my hair and cleaning my air conditioners.

It seems every time I turn around, one of my friends is talking about starting a commune. Apparently I’m not alone in my commune-related daydreams. A friend recently sent me a link to WannaStartACommune.com, a site that got a nod from the New York Times back in February. The main goal of the site seems to be to sell three-dollar pamphlets that provide tips on starting a commune. However, it also includes some useful free resources, like a link to www.ic.org, a website on intentional communities. (I think this pretentious new term is supposed to avoid some of the hippie/cult baggage that goes with the word commune. I haven’t decided if I hate it yet.)

The ic.org site includes a listing of communes by state. Most of the descriptions make the communes sound like they’re full of granola earth-mothers, but there were a few promising ones that sounded like they might not kick me out for taking a ten-minute shower.