Gay-man-loving straight girls like to complain that all the hot guys are gay, but I’m here to tell you that simply isn’t true. All the hot guys are straight. And by hot, I’m not talking “tweezed metrosexual with plump, androgynous lips” hot. I’m talking “toned, brawny man with sun-kissed skin, a chest lightly peppered with hair, and a five o’clock shadow that hugs an angular jawline” hot. I’m talking Hugh Jackman / Matthew Fox hot.
Gay men who look like Hugh Jackman simply don’t exist. Now, I know what you’re going to say. I’m setting the bar too high. There just aren’t many men, straight or gay, who look like Hugh Jackman or Matthew Fox or that guy who played the human torch in The Fantastic Four. And you may be right. But I’ll even go out on a limb here and say that gay men never resemble approachable, ruggedly adorable men like John Corbett (Aidan Shaw of Sex and the City) or Dylan Walsh (Dr. Sean McNamara of Nip/Tuck) or Bobby Cannavale (Will’s boyfriend on Will & Grace). The terms “ruggedly handsome” or even “ruggedly cute” and “gay” just don’t appear in the same sentence (unless that sentence points out that the two terms don’t belong together).
Granted, there are cute gay guys out there, but they only come in a few flavors, and those flavors rarely include the term hot and NEVER include ruggedly handsome hotness. The sooner we all accept and this fact, the sooner we can all learn to love our cute (but not ruggedly hot) boyfriends and stop fantasizing about being verbally abused by Christian Bale. In an effort to identify, classify, and promote greater understanding of this strange occurrence, I submit for your approval FrugalFag’s General Taxonomy and Field Guide to Potentially Cute (but Not Hot) Gay Male Species:
1) The Pretty Lady
Fatal Flaws: excessive lip shine, feminine features or haircut, willowy frame, cheek puckering, and/or overuse of the word “girl”.
Cute (but not hot) Example: Lance Bass
Hot Exception: Dustin Lance Black (screenwriter of Milk)
2) The Nerd-’Mo-Tron 3000
Fatal Flaws: pasty skin, bad posture, and/or unremarkable features
Cute (but not hot) Examples: John Cameron Mitchell, T.R. Knight (Debatable cuteness level, I realize, but bear with me.)
Hot Exception: Anderson Cooper
3) The Emo She-’Mo
Fatal Flaws: flat-ironed hair, nail polish, eyeliner, and too many giant rings
Cute (but not hot) Example: Adam Lambert of American Idol Season 8
Hot Exception: Does Pete Wentz count?
4) The “Almost Ruggedly Hot but Something Is Kind of Wrong with His Face” Guy
Fatal Flaws: Neanderthal-esque forehead, thin lips, protruding granny chin, distracting nose and/or mole
Cute (but not hot) Examples: Rupert Everett, George Michael (but only BEFORE he came out and started sporting weird facial hair that made him look like one of those hair models from a hardcover look book you peruse at Mastercuts to show your stylist what NOT to do. George Michael further proves my point that gayness absorbs and removes all evidence of rugged hotness like a ShamWow.)
Hot Exception: Neil Patrick Harris
5) The “Almost Ruggedly Hot until He Speaks or Moves” guy, also known as the “Looks Like Tarzan, Sounds Like Jane” Guy
Fatal Flaws: wild flailing of hands and limbs, Mario-Cantone like vocal tone, catlike sauntering
Cute (but not hot) Example: Kyan Douglas from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
Hot Exceptions: Kyan Douglas (when not talking or moving), Nate Berkus (at all times), Luke Macfarlane from Brothers & Sisters (I only recently learned this guy is gay and now I fear he may ruin my entire theory.)
6) The Man-Bear-Pig
Fatal Flaws: overly hairy, balding, and/or too flabby to describe body type as “football player’s build”
Cute (but not hot) Example: The guy who plays Matt Parkman on Heroes? (Sorry, I couldn’t think of a gay example here. If you have a Christopher Lowell fetish or can think of an example most of us can agree on, feel free to make suggestions.)
Hot Exceptions: None that I could think of.