While watching Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, I couldn’t stop thinking about how many incredibly homoerotic (and creepy) moments were crammed into two hours of what should have been a delightful family film. Here are the examples I was able to recall from memory after seeing it once. I’m sure if I watched it again I’d discover even more.
Dumbledore arrives just as Harry is about to hook up with a cute black chick and insists that he grab Harry’s arm so they can take a magical journey somewhere far away. He tells Harry he won’t be coming back to see the girl.
Dumbledore takes Harry to Slughorn’s house where they discover Slughorn dressed in old-lady drag.
Slughorn keeps photos of his favorite students on a creepy shelf/shrine in his house.
Dubmledore takes a knitting pattern book from Slughorn’s house on the way out.
Harry asks if he should allow Slughorn to “collect” him, just like Slughorn “collected” one of his former male pupils. The former pupil, it turns out, went crazy shortly after this professor took an interest in him. This psychotic break could be related to the repressed memories of the “little secret” Slughorn and Voldemort kept for decades.
Professor Slughorn invites Harry to an intimate dinner just for “special students.” Harry remains behind afterward to get some alone time with the professor.
Dumbledore asks Harry why he’s spending so much time with Hermoine in what appears to be a slightly jealous flirtation.
While playing quidditch, there is a lot of phallic broom thrusting, straddling, and grasping.
Harry takes Luna Lovegood to Slughorn’s Christmas party despite the fact that she is clearly a fag hag with a quirky fashion sense that Harry finds endearing.
Harry eats “dragon balls” with the hot quidditch player guy (McLaggen) behind a curtain at Slughorn’s party. Snape discovers them, the hot guy throws up, and Snape separates them.
Dumbledore asks young Voldemort about a flaming box of stolen goods in Voldemort’s closet and says something along the lines of, “Don’t you think it’s time it came out?”
Malfoy and Harry whip out their wants in the boys restroom, shoot mysterious white balls at each other, and get everything all wet. After enduring serious physical punishment from Harry’s wand, Malfoy is left bleeding on the bathroom floor.
Dumbledore notes that Harry needs a shave and points out that Harry is no longer a boy.
Before Dumbledore agrees to take Harry with him to find the Horcrux, he says, “You must obey every command I give you without question.”
To find the Horcrux, Harry and Dumbledore must enter a very vaginal cave opening, a place Dumbledore claims is very dangerous.
Harry must force the “clam juice” down Dumbledore’s throat. Harry is told he can’t stop no matter how much Dumbledore begs him to.
After the clam juice incident, Dumbledore prevents Harry from being gang raped by a bunch of scrawny old men by channeling a flaming whirlwind.
When Harry and Dumbledore return to the castle, he tells Harry to go get Professor Snape immediately. It’s implied that Professor Snape is the only one who can help Dumbledore with a very important, er, “problem.” (Perhaps he needs a “potion” to counteract the clam juice?) Then, he tells Harry to hide under the floor and not to come out no matter what he hears.