Is it just me, or do the American Idol contestants’ stories get more and more ridiculous every season? I keep waiting for Ryan to narrate a flashback that goes something like, “Katie’s come a long way from her audition in Orlando. A triple amputee single mother, she’d never ventured beyond the city limits of Bumblefuck, Arkansas until her mother sold 22 gallons of her own plasma to buy Katie a Greyhound bus ticket and three pounds of beef jerky to sustain her on the long journey to Florida. After she was left behind by a bus driver during a routine refueling stop, Katie had no choice but to turn tricks for truckers in a Shell station restroom. To dull the pain, she turned to methamphetamines and small, overpriced cans of Pringles. Eventually, she hitchhiked her way to Tallahassee where a vocal coach named Sister Mary Clarence restored her faith in Jesus and the power of song. Tonight, she’ll be singing “I Will Remember You” in memory of her mentally challenged mother and Autistic son, who both died in a tragic trailer fire just last night.

This Saturday’s “Weekend Update” on SNL welcomed Sarah McLachlan to promote the return of Lilith Fair, which was a wonderful bit of happy news. Everything was going fine until someone brought up lonely, homeless pets.

Aren’t these the gossip magazines we’ve all been waiting for?

Back in May, I couldn’t stand the site of my $90 cable bill (not counting internet access) any more. So, I reduced my bill to around $25 a month—enough to cover just the digital video recorder and access to the basic local networks in high definition. (Comcast charges so much more for internet access if you don’t have some type of cable TV service that it didn’t make sense to ditch the cable entirely.) After a grueling three-month boycott, there were casualties on both sides: Comcast had lost hundreds and the bf and I were forced to get to know each other on a deeper level.

After calling a customer service rep. to see if any special offers were available for existing customers, I couldn’t hold out any longer. For $45 a month, I got the digital preferred package, an HD DVR, and HBO for one year. I just spent the evening catching up with the real housewives of Atlanta and I have to admit this might be the best $45 l’ve ever spent. The highlight of the night had to be watching Shereé get into a ghetto fabulous screaming match with her “top-level executive” party planner.

After watching this, I couldn’t help but wonder if Michelle Obama ever gets into it with some White House staff member like this. Can’t you picture it? Michelle questioning the arrangement of ornaments on the Christmas Tree in the Blue Room, to which the tree trimmer responds, “Google me and do my resume, bitch! You need to watch yourself before you get checked!” To which Michelle would raise an eyebrow and respond, “Who gon’ check me, boo?” Now THAT would be must-see TV.

If you like Ugly Betty, you might also enjoy Ugly Yeti. And if you love the raw, virile energy of The Fast and the Furious, you’ll love The Fast and the Bi-Curious. Also, Susan Boyle should stop by American Idol and show those kids how it’s done.

Anyone who knows me knows I love two things:

1) dogs wearing tiny hats
2) Damages, the FX legal drama starring Glenn Close

If you’re also a Damages fan, you might enjoy perusing this list of burning questions that the finale may or may not answer.

I felt a few questions were conspicuously absent from the list, including:

1) Will Patty throw something? If so, what will it be and where will she throw it and who will she throw it at?

2) Will Marcia Gay Harden keep that fierce spiral perm if she makes it to season three? Or will contract negotiations break down when her strangely fascinating piggy nose demands a spin-off show of its own? (Heaven help Marcia if the hair and the nose form a union because they’re all I can think about whenever she’s on screen.)

3) Will Cadillac demand even more obvious product placement? Will the judge refuse Patty’s bribe until she offers to throw in the keys to her Cadillac CTS? Will the judge then smile and nod and acknowledge that he simply can’t refuse a vehicle with hand-stitched Italian leather and the most responsive handling in its class? Will the Escalade hybrid be forced to testify in court using some kind of Knight-Rider-style computer voice? Or will a mysterious yet friendly OnStar employee tell Patty she has vital information that could help her take down UNR?

I’ve been a lazy blogger lately, and I wish I could blame it on all-consuming grief over the passing of Estelle Getty. However, the truth is I’ve been busy preparing for my high school reunion. It has been a long, grueling road that has been filled with hours and hours of meticulous sunless tanner application.

On the plus side, my trip back to my old stomping grounds has been fruitful. I was just introduced to the wonders of Alexyss Tylor, a self-proclaimed relationship expert who has her own TV show on Atlanta public access called Vagina Power. It really has to be seen to be believed. I found the segment that begins around 3:20 particularly insightful. We should all be lucky enough to find a man who is willing to be there for us in sickness and in health, or at least buy us a shrimp plate from Long John Silvers.

While I’m on the subject of strong black southern women, I have to include this amazing prank phone call that was broadcast a few years ago on 95.7 Jamz, the hip-hop station in my adopted hometown of Birmingham, Alabama.

I keep hoping to bump in to Barbara whenever I go back to visit. She and Alexyss should combine forces. These women need their own basic-cable reality and/or talkshow immediately.

This video of McCain voguing is the best thing to appear on the Colbert Report in months. It’s definitely going in my already overflowing “filing cabinet of regrets” in a folder labeled “Things I Wish I Could Take Credit For.”

This McCain does Elvis version is pretty funny/creepy as well.

Kristen Wiig’s Suze Orman impression is almost as good as mine.

This Joann woman should open Jacket Junctions across America. Or maybe she could just work out a distribution deal with Talbots. I don’t know what it is about menopausal women and Talbots—like moths to a flame, they are. I think Talbots stores have actually been proven to cause vaginal dryness. There really should be a warning near every entry.

Props to Dawson who posted a link to the Make It Work T-shirt about a week ago. I’m not big on impulse buys, but I couldn’t resist this one. One minute I was clicking the link, the next minute I was completing the PayPal order form. Everything else is a blur.

I initially assumed that Chris Glass, the guy who designed the shirts, was gay. (What straight guy would create Project-Runway-themed apparel?) Then I found a photo of him and I was completely confused. Then I read this on his site:

“I came out much later in life, and I say I don’t play for the other team as much as I sit on the sidelines.”

This is exactly what I need to launch my makeover show: a small-town gay guy with penchant for camouflage and facial hair comes to the big city for a makeover. He claims to be happy and seems reluctant to change, but eventually reveals that he secretly wants to feel sexy and find true love. Enter me: the obnoxious, flaming host who claims to love Chris just the way he is right before insulting nearly everything about his appearance. The suspense builds as Chris and I argue over whether or not he will shave off his beard. The audience is left guessing as the final reveal draws nigh. Will Chris agree to wear the velvet Juicy Couture blazer? Will he finally give up his mountain-man beard and, in the process, let down his guard and finally shake his fear of rejection?

This could be ratings GOLD, people. Mark my words.

What is there to say about the Britney VMAs mess that won’t have already been said by the time you read this? I feel the whole incident has left me with more questions than answers. Questions like:

• Who told her it was a good idea to wear the bedazzled bra and panties? When Janet puts on a few pounds, she has the sense to squeeze her rolls into a flattering corset. (It’s not like she needed the lung capacity to sing during the performance.) The outfit looked like something even Beyonce’s mother would have rejected in a meeting with her sweatshop managers.

• Why did she go with extensions? Why not just go with a cute short cut or a wig she could rip off during the performance? A good wig rip-off always goes over well at a drag show.

• Why didn’t the routine include any of the key live performance elements a female pop star needs to excite gay men and pre-teen girls? There was no descent from the ceiling in a large disco ball or spaceship or abstract glowing orb. There were no wild animals on stage and no costume changes. (Ideally, I only applaud a costume change in which an outer layer of conservative clothes is ripped off to reveal a sexy number underneath, but I would have settled for an off-stage switcheroo in this case.) There was insufficient lesbian action, a complete dearth of dry humping. All in all, I doubt a single gay man was even consulted in the planning process.

• Why perform at all if you’re not going to blow everyone away? Surely the album sales would have been better if Britney just stayed home and locked the door from now ’til Christmas.

With this whole mess behind us, I think we need to move forward and focus on the positives. Britney’s disastrous performance paves the way for more time-tested divas to make comebacks this holiday season. Celine, Mariah, Madonna, and Whitney are all supposed to be releasing albums soon, and God knows there ain’t much room for old ladies to sit at the kids’ table, what with Beyonce’s seat already being reserved for Rihanna, Nelly Furtado refusing to age, and Fergie sporting a girl scout uniform and sucking on lollipops to help distract people from what crystal meth abuse has done to her face. (Actually, strike that. Fergie, you look great—all things considered. Me love you long time.)

For better or worse, it looks like Celine’s collaboration with Timbaland has been nixed from the upcoming album, along with any other hip-hop inspired songs. A preview of one of the songs from the album is available over at Perez, and it sounds like it’ll make lots of soccer moms smile when it comes on the satellite radio at their local grocery stores. Perhaps that’s for the best. Celine had the sense to start the Vegas show and embrace adult contemporary at just the right time. It makes me more than a bit nervous to imagine her promoting a pop album at this stage in her career. I keep having nightmares in which she stops by TRL, gives a shout out to Renée and the kids, then flashes her junk at the paparazzi while painting the town with Barbara Streisand.

What will become of Mariah’s next album remains to be seen. I fear she’s due for a career-ending flop since the last album was so successful, but maybe she’ll prove me wrong. The naked photo on the cover of Interview didn’t seem too flattering to me, but I guess it’s better than she looked during the Constipation of MiMi tour. As for Whitney, I doubt we’ll be hearing any leaked songs from that album any time soon because I get the feeling there’s nothing to leak. I’m sure it’s tough to record an album from your home-based recording studio when Georgia Power keeps turning the lights off.

I did get a chance to catch the leaked Madonna-Timbaland collaboration “The Beat Goes On” a while back before it was taken off of YouTube, and I was totally underwhelmed. I’d like to think the song with Justin Timberlake will be better, but how much Justin Timberlake and Timbaland does the world really need? I wish she’d just find some undiscovered producers to work with and take a big risk rather than working with Nelly Furtado’s sloppy seconds. Of course, she probably shouldn’t listen to me since I’m one of the sixteen people who bought and liked American Life.