The androgynous person who is about to put the toppings on my chicken-salad sandwich is definitely wearing blue eye shadow, and I’m trying to get a better look without staring. I do a quick boob check. No, definitely no boobs. I listen to him talk to the customer in front of me. Yup, that’s a man’s voice.

Bold Lips, Smoky Eyes, and All-Beef Patties Are In This Season

I always run into drag queens at their day jobs when I least expect it, and it’s a lot like visiting Diana Ross in prison. The guards might let her wear a few bejeweled hair clips or saunter around with her prison-bed blanket draped over her shoulders like a pashmina shawl, but something is definitely missing and it’s heartbreaking to watch. I’m never sure what the proper response is. Should I bake a tube of MAC Lipglass into a pie and offer it to them during their lunch breaks? Should I resent them for maintaining an air of normalcy while operating a sour-cream caulking gun with three-inch-long acrylic nails?

I want to salute my local sandwich artists and fry cooks who have the audacity to show up at work dressed like extras in a Culture Club video. Yet, more importantly, I want to know their secret. How is it that I can be operating a jackhammer while reading a copy of Hustler, and I still get called a fag by some random guys in a Camaro? Is the key to look so gay that homophobes just think, ‘Nah, too easy.’? Or is it that all potential hecklers are a little afraid of any man bold enough to sport polyester hair extensions while working the late shift at KFC? So, to the eye-shadow-wearing guy at Potbelly Sandwich Works on Wabash and Jackson, I hope you’re reading this. If you can help me figure out how to wear a man purse without stopping traffic, there might just be an apple pie full of Smashbox products in your future.

The best thing about commuting via public transit is that it encourages me to read. Reading on the train offers two key benefits: it makes me sound smarter at parties and it reduces hobo-related harassment (especially since I started covering my book du jour with a homemade jacket that reads The Perfect Crime: Why No One Misses a Dead Bum.)

Since my big move to Chicago, I’ve been obsessed with career-guidance books. Here’s an overview of my latest reads:

Title: What Should I Do with My Life: The True Story of People Who Answered the Ultimate Question
Author: Po Bronson
Summary: This book provides a ton of personal accounts from people who are desperately trying to find their callings. Some of them don’t have very happy endings (or endings at all), but most of them are neatly tied up and somewhat comforting. There seemed to be a lot of stories of people fumbling through professional purgatory, going to school for the wrong thing, realizing their dreams late in life, etc. So, if you’re looking to add a little schadenfreude to your career-crisis reading list, I give it two thumbs up.

Title: Grindhopping: Building a Rewarding Career Without Paying Your Dues
Author: Laura Vanderkam
Summary: This book reminds me of that episode of Will and Grace in which Jack keeps repeating his workout catch phrase, “Stake it.” The author seems a bit desperate to be credited for coining the term grindhopper, and she promotes it through constant, merciless repetition. For those of you who aren’t already using in your everyday speech, a grindhopper is someone who refuses to be tied down by a traditional 9 to 5. They quit their day jobs to make bedazzled guitar straps for rocker chicks. They start multi-million-dollar candy manufacturing companies with two dollars, no knowledge of candy manufacturing, and a lot of tenacity. In short, they’re young and they’re more successful than you, and it’s all because they don’t let the man and his old-school rules determine how they should define work.

This book showed me that all I need to do to have the career of my dreams is to stop making excuses and get out of my own way—which I would totally do, but I just have so much going on right now. There’s those six episodes of Star Trek: Voyager on the Tivo that must be watched before they’re deleted to make room for some house-flipping show. And, let’s face it, my new granite countertops aren’t going to seal and polish themselves. But seriously, once those things are done, I’m definitely going to learn how to make croissants and open a bakery called Sticky, Tender Buns…or perhaps I’ll call it Don’t Bring Your Brats in Here You Damn Hippies Who Don’t Beat Your Kids or I’ll Punch Them in Their Chubby Little Throats.

Title: I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was: How to Discover What You Really Want and How to Get It
Author: Barbara Sher
Summary: When I stumbled upon this book at my local library, I wanted to cry. ‘Finally,’ I thought, ‘Someone wrote a book that speaks to both my inflated sense of self-worth and my constant fear that every decision I make is wrong.’ There was even a chapter in which Babs promised to show people with too many interests how they could pursue all of them in a single lifetime. First, she told me to make a list of all the things I wanted to be BEFORE reading any further. I was intrigued. I hastily wrote down my greatest ambitions and turned the page, expecting something revolutionary—like a recipe for that elixir of life Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn drink in Death Becomes Her. Sadly, there was no recipe. She just told me to identify all the things I could do as a hobby or as a temporary vacation from my day job and—poof—now I could magically do them all. I suppose the book did help me prune a few interests that don’t merit full-time pursuit. But it’s clear to me now that if I want self-improvement claptrap with a hint of the supernatural, I’ll have to join Tom Cruise’s book club.

Title: The 4-Hour Workweek: Escape 9-5, Live Anywhere, and Join the New Rich
Author: Timothy Ferris
Summary: I really liked this book at first. The author makes some good points about how younger workers are more interested in flexibility and stimulation than salary and stability (although he’s hardly the first person to document the phenomenon). He’s traveled the world doing bizarre, glamorous things that read like a straight bachelor’s fantasy resume. At 29, he’s skied the slopes of the Andes, won a Chinese kickboxing championship, raced motorcycles in Europe, acted in a hit TV show in Hong Kong, and danced in tango competitions in Argentina. Throughout the book, he points out that you don’t need millions of dollars to do the things you’ve always dreamed of doing. More than anything, you need the flexibility to work when and where you like. Things were going great until the book recommended that, in order to determine what I should do with my life, I should make a list. I haven’t opened it since.

Those crazy Alabama conservatives are at it again…

Transgendered Sea Anemone Denounced As ‘Abomination’ By Clergy

HUNTSVILLE, AL-The filthy anemone exhibits both male and female characteristics, and is turning our oceans into dens of sin and perversion.

Attention Hollywood executives: Judi Dench should be featured prominently in every movie ever made. You could pair her with Kevin Costner and I’d still buy 10 tickets. (Give her Whitney’s role in a remake of The Bodyguard and I’ll wait in the rain for the special-edition DVD with Judi’s extended version of “Queen of the Night.”) She should be the go-to star for all your casting needs. Want to add a touch of class to She Devil 2? Call Judi. Looking for a true Brit to play a more believable Lara Croft and breathe new life into the Tomb Raider series? The Dame does her own stunts. And don’t even get me started on her potential as the new invisible girl in the next Fantastic Four.

When Judi’s dead, someone should re-edit her past work and throw a bit in to all new movies for good measure. Hell, can’t we just record her reading an entire, unabridged dictionary now and stick a bucket full of motion-capture sensors on her to ensure we have usable footage for future roles she won’t be alive to play? Surely some marketing genius at the Gap will be grateful when they need a dead, classy star to hawk black stretch pants or five-pocket chinos in a vain attempt to prevent a takeover bid from Wal-Mart in 2020.

The truth is, I love you, Judi. I’m sure if you got to know me, we’d be terribly good friends. You’d tell me all about what it was like to meet the Queen, and I’d tell you what it was like when I met Brian Austin Green at a gas station near Scottsdale. We’d share a Bloomin’ Onion at Outback Steakhouse and reminisce about the time I introduced you as Dame Dudi Stench to that group of World War II veterans. I’d steal your cell phone when you’re not looking and program it to display dirty words when you turn it on, then you’d call to yell at me and we’d laugh ever so hard. It could be magical, if only you’d return my calls.

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You don’t need a $40,000 art-school degree to appreciate good design, but it helps (or so I tell myself every time I make a student loan payment). I love perusing the Web for sites that round up new and interesting finds in product design, fashion, interior design, architecture, etc. So, I thought I’d share a few of my favorites with you.

Apartment Therapy: This site comes in localized versions for big-city dwellers, but it’s a great read even if your town doesn’t make the cut. There’s a recurring “scavenger” entry, in which the site’s authors showcase cool finds from craigslist, ebay, and etsy. Readers often submit photos of their condos, which can be a great resource for decorating ideas.

Design Boner: The name really says it all. These two Chicago girls get almost as turned on by good design as I do, and they’re kind enough to share their favorite finds with the world.

Design Sponge: Lots of designers and style trendsetters read Design Sponge. So, if you read it, you’re immediately given free license to say things like, “The Viceroy lobby truly is Kelly Wearstler’s crowning achievement.” or “Oh, you have the MUJI business card holder! I picked up one in Tokyo a few years back before they were available in the U.S. Of course, I threw it out the day they went on sale at the MoMA store.”

Grassroots Modern: This site features a little bit of everything, as long as it’s modern. The site devotes a decent bit of attention to modern baby furniture and baby products, so if you or someone you love is desperately seeking hip baby stuff, send them here.

Zaftig girls and gay guys have a rich history of mutual appreciation, which is why it came as a shock to me that some of my dearest friends haven’t heard of Chunky Pam. If you watched MTV for more than 30 seconds this past Christmas, you were sure to see her music video, Merry XXLMas. However, you might not have caught her Valentine’s Day follow up, Pampered, which I’ve posted here. (And if you’ve already seen them both, you really should watch them again.)

Seriously, why isn’t this girl on the cover of every magazine in America? Why am I still waiting for a whole album? (The Pampered video suggests the album would be named Pam Da Moanium, which is perfect. I don’t care if the cover art is printed on someone’s inkjet in a garage in Jersey—just tell me where to buy it already.) More importantly, why haven’t Whitney and Janet contacted her about adding some much needed Pam-alicious lyrics to their very iffy comeback albums?

If you don’t read newspapers, the next best thing is to read the blog of someone who does. And the next best thing is to read a blog written by someone who reads blogs written by people who read newspapers—namely, mine.

I was checking out some 2008 election poll results over at political blog Boozhy recently, and I was a little surprised that Hillary lost to McCain, Giuliani, and Romney. Meanwhile, Edwards only lost to McCain, and Obama was the only Democrat to win against all three. I’ve been on the fence for a while about whether or not to support Obama over Hillary, but in light of this poll and the fact that he is now beating Hillary on fundraising, is there any reason to keep pulling for her? Of course, there’s the fact that Maya Angelou made a YouTube video in support of Hillary. But honestly, I think the main purpose of the video is to remind you that:

• Maya Angelou is A DOCTOR (an honorary one with no college degrees, but I’m sure she at least knows CPR)
• Maya Angelou is MAYA ANGELOU (in case you forgot two seconds after seeing the title screen)
• Maya Angelou is HERE (although I’m not sure she knew where “here” was at the time of filming).

Leave me some comments with your opinions on the Barack vs. Hillary debate so I don’t have to hold myself accountable for my voting decisions. And if you have any suggestions for who Hillary or Barack should choose as a VP, post that, too.

I recently stumbled upon a parody of Sex and the City starring Bea Arthur as Carrie, Sally Struthers as Samantha, Charlotte Rae (Mrs. Garrett from The Facts of Life) as Charlotte, and Katherine Helmond (Mona from Who’s the Boss) as Miranda. I was shocked to discover that this was created for the TV Land awards way back in 2004, and not one of my friends has heard about it. (If you already knew this existed and didn’t tell me about it, you are dead to me.)

If you know a gay man who hasn’t already seen this, it is your gay (or gay-friendly) duty to spread the word. I’ve taken the liberty of composing a short statement that you can copy and paste into your preferred tool for digital communication.

Dear Fellow Sex and the City/Bea Arthur Lover,

Have you seen this parody of Sex and the City featuring Bea Arthur as Carrie? I was just reading about it on this hilarious blog, frugalfag.com. Here’s the link: http://frugalfag.com/?p=19
Be sure to vote in the survey/petition to get Bea Arthur back on TV!

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There are so many credit cards offering reward programs aimed at a very particular niche of customers. American Express has cards with perks just for people who live in L.A. or Chicago or New York. There are college-student cards that reward users for good grades and on-time payments. Isn’t it time we had a card with rewards designed to appeal to the gay community?

Can’t someone see that there is a huge market for the Art-Fag Visa—the only card that provides cash back on every purchase of designer plastic-frame glasses and MacBook Pro accessories? And where’s the Gender Illusionist Platinum Select Mastercard, offering 5% back on acrylic nails and depilatory creams? Surely lesbians could be encouraged to shop more often if they could rack up points for free power tools and whale-watching cruises every time they swiped the DeGeneres Dividend Card from American Express. And what card would be more fitting for bisexuals than the Discover Flexible Freedom—the card that changes its policies monthly and comes with a free subscription to Details or Jane magazine?

While I’m waiting for my Art-Fag Visa to arrive in the mail, I thought I’d post a short list of my current preferred cash-back credit cards. If you think you’ve found a better deal than the cards below can offer, by all means, post a comment and tell me about it.

Chase Freedom Card (My Top Pick)

• 3% back at gas stations, grocery stores, and “quick-service” restaurants (They’re not exactly clear on the website as to what a quick-service restaurant is, but I get the impression it’s any place that doesn’t have wait staff.)
• 1% cash back on everything else
• If you accumulate $200 in cash back, you get a $50 bonus.

Discover More Card

• 5% back on purchases in special categories that change every three months; from July through September (2007), the 5% is good for gas ad hotels. From October – December, it changes to restaurants and movies.
• Lots of companies give a bonus credit if you use your cash back to buy gift cards. For example, $20 in cash back can get you a $25 gift card from AMC theatres or Banana Republic, or you can convert $20 into a $40 Hollywood Video gift card.

Citibank Dividend Platinum Select Card

• 2% back at drugstores, grocery stores, and utility bills (cable, electric, water, phone service, etc.)
• 1% back on everything else

Just as a side note, you might see ads claiming that AmEx’s Blue Cash card offers 5% back. There’s a pretty big caveat here, since that 5% only applies to gas, groceries, and drugstore purchases, and it only kicks in after you’ve charged $6500 in a year. So, it might be a good deal if you’re spending 15 or 20 grand in these categories every year. But even a Rush-Limbaugh-sized prescription and grocery bill probably won’t push you far over $6500.

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Of course you haven’t, because it doesn’t exist. Well, it might exist, but it’s probably locked in some vault two miles below his North Carolina estate. And even if the tape was “leaked” to YouTube, I doubt 30 intimate minutes of him and Elizabeth feeding each other ice cream while watching “The Notebook” would do much to raise his profile.

John, I hope you’re reading this, because America really wants to see more of you. And by “America,” I mean me. Sadly, your strapping, corn-fed thunder has been stolen by Hillary and Barack—two shriveled prudes wouldn’t know sexy if it danced around in their living rooms in a leopard-print thong.

What you need is a video with real viral marketing potential to skyrocket you to the forefront of the 2008 presidential race. What you need is a steamy gay sex tape. Of course, deciding to make a sex tape is the easy part. The hard part is choosing a costar. But don’t despair. I’ve come up with a list of suggestions and my readers are here to help you select a winner.

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