It seems like only yesterday that a very tech-savvy friend of mine helped me create my first fake ID so I could get into the smoky, sweaty firetrap that was my neighborhood gay bar. The Quest was (and still is) a dump, but it’s the kind of dump you’re only aloud to criticize if you’re a local. In its defense, it’s the only bar I’ve ever found that is open 24/7 thanks to its “private” club status. (Becoming a member is about as difficult as obtaining a CVS ExtraCare card and provides a similar level of prestige.) The place is always packed with the cream of central Alabama’s gay crop, which includes a surprisingly healthy stockpile of amazing drag queens, husky frat boys, and towering black guys who fought to be majorettes and dance-team captains in their backwater high school marching bands.

The decor is cinderblock-prison chic meets the Party City clearance bin. Yet, the sound system is top of the line, packing enough bass to rattle loose most dental work. The music is almost exclusively remixes featuring sassy pop divas—the kind of songs that could turn even the Brawny paper towel man into a hot tranny mess of pantomiming and lip-synching once he hit the dance floor. Back in my day, a typical rotation might sound something like this:

• It’s Not Right, but It’s Okay
• Nobody’s Supposed to Be Here
• Can’t Fight the Moonlight
• Sexual
• Let the Joy Rise
• Ballad of Cleo and Joe
• Absolutely Fabulous (see below)

These days, nothing makes me feel older than overhearing a few of my gay students talk about their weekend plans or their favorite new songs. I look at them and sigh, partly out of regret that I can’t turn back time and partly out of pity that the best equivalent they’ll have to the Pet Shop Boys and AbFab is Fergie’s, “Labels or Love.” (This song will surely be coming soon to a drag show near you, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.) Sadly, they only know Whitney as a punchline on SNL. Cher’s comeback came and went before they came out, “vintage” Madonna includes anything before Confessions on a Dance Floor, and Ellen’s sitcom is just “that thing she did before she had a talk show.”

Perhaps we need some sort of gay culture museum—a place where we can preserve the best artifacts of our past so that future generations can learn and respect their proud gay history, from the first AOL m4m chat room to the early work of Kristine W and Kim English. More importantly, such a museum could serve as the foundation of a really great site for assisted-living condos where countless dried-up old queens could sip cosmopolitans and complain about everything that’s wrong with gay kids today.

I’ve survived a lot of socially awkward situations. When I studied abroad, I was regularly dragged to parties where I couldn’t talk to anyone because I literally didn’t speak their language. (On the plus side, I’m much better at charades now). I also moved a lot as a kid, and I had to find ways to make friends at schools where I was “the kid who doesn’t believe in God” or “the Yankee with the funny accent.” As a result, I’ve learned a few tricks for making new friends. Here are a few of my favorites:

1. Ask for a favor.

Even if you don’t really need help, asking someone for a small favor gives you an excuse to start a conversation and it makes the other person more comfortable asking you for help down the road. This is especially valuable if you want to get to know your neighbors. Asking for a cup of sugar is an oldie but a goodie. Borrowing a pot or asking someone to walk your dog can also work. Just don’t ask for anything too personal—like a bottle of Adderall to help you complete a big project at work or a dog crate big enough for several gallons of water and a somewhat husky 17-year-old Thai girl.

2. Wear something that gives people an excuse to talk to you.

Clothes that display the name of a particular college will attract attention from anyone who attended the school and, in some cases, anyone who likes to read words aloud. Shirts with the name of a favorite band or a reference to a favorite TV show or movie can work as well. A unique watch or piece of jewelry can be very handy—especially one that people feel compelled to touch and examine closely. As a general rule, wearing something unique and memorable is a plus. It’s always easy to break the ice with a compliment, and wearing something bold makes it easy for your fashion soul mates to identify you as someone they’d like to know better. A unique hat or colorful pair of shoes or funky designer glasses can be all the excuse someone needs to strike up a conversation.

3. Eat with anyone and everyone.

You have to eat anyway, so make an effort to invite someone to join you for brunch or lunch or dinner as much as possible. It’s a casual, low-pressure way to follow up with someone you’ve recently met.

4. Join a group or club with similar interests.

Meetup.com is a great place to find people who share your interests and arrange face-to-face outings and get togethers. I finally decided to take my own advice and I signed up for tennis lessons this spring. Now I can keep playing with my classmates after the lessons are over. One of the women in my class has even been giving me insider info on properties in her neighborhood that are about to go into foreclosure. The whole thing has me feeling like I’m just a sweater vest and a convertible Saab away from complete yuppiehood…and I couldn’t be happier.

I probably should have read The Audacity of Hope BEFORE giving Barack my vote in the Illinois primaries, but I figured better late than never. On the negative side, the book is a bit dry in places. Barack does plenty of political name dropping and never misses an opportunity to show off his familiarity with the Constitution and America’s political history. Also, I wish he would have included a few more specific examples on how he plans to fix our biggest problems as a nation. (He does provide examples, just not as many as I would have liked.)

With that said, I felt really great about the prospect of Obama leading the country after making it through just the first few chapters. He comes off as incredibly intelligent, sincere, and reasonable. I also got the impression that he’s humble enough (or at least was when he wrote the book) to surround himself with smart people who won’t just tell him what he wants to hear. He also seems incredibly passionate about seeing every argument from both sides. He avoids vilifying conservatives and frequently acknowledges that it has become harder and harder to be a successful politician if you’re not comfortable giving simple, yes-or-no answers to complicated questions. He notes that it’s hard to be a pro-choice Democrat who opposes late-term abortion or an NRA-loving Republican who opposes the war in Iraq. He stresses that voters (with a little encouragement from the media) want every issue and every position distilled down to a recognizable label that fits on a button and clearly identifies everyone as friend or foe. It’s nice to imagine Obama shedding some light on the political machine and how it manufactures consent and manipulates public opinion with clever editing and a big advertising budget. I’m not sure if he’ll make it to the White House with that strategy, but it’ll be interesting to watch.

I feel obligated to mention that I love Hillary and I think she would also make an excellent President. I’m elated to have two great candidates and I’m trying to enjoy the excitement of the competition between now and the convention without obsessing too much about the outcome. (Although I am concerned that they’re both wasting a lot of money fighting for the nomination.) I’ll be happy to support Hillary, but now that I’ve read up on Barack, I feel more confident that my primary vote wasn’t a mistake.

The only thing more gay and fabulous than a party with fruity cocktails is a party with fruity cocktails full of diamond-shaped ice cubes. I’m buying these ice cube trays from CB2 immediately.

I’m always on the hunt for the perfect haircut, but it’s tough to decide if you can’t see a potential cut from multiple angles. (It’s also tough for your stylist to recreate it.) That’s why I love this Matrix hairstyle finder. You can view all the style from several angles and there’s a fairly diverse selection of both men’s and women’s cuts.

I just stumbled upon Wachovia’s new Way2Save program, which is another one of those savings programs designed to protect people from themselves. Basically, Wachovia takes an extra buck out of your checking account whenever you use your check card or pay a bill using their service. If you don’t want to rely on Wachovia to do the saving for you one dollar at a time, you can also set up automated deposits of $100 per month. (I’m not sure if you can contribute any more per month than that.) The best part is if you sign up before June, you’ll get a 16% interest rate for June, July, and August. After that, the rate should drop to 5% (or so they claim right now). Whether that remains their rate come September, it’s worth looking into if only for the 16% promo.

Interest rates on savings accounts have dropped dramatically in the last year or so, making it impossible to get much more than a 4% return on your balance. So, if you’re looking for a place to stash your extra cash that is guaranteed not to lose value, what should you do? One option worth considering is opening a high-yield checking account with one of the small banks or credit unions in your area. These accounts currently yield between 5 and 7% (roughly), but there’s a catch. Almost all of them require that you use the debit card they provide at least 10, 15, or sometimes even 20 times a month to get the high interest rate. In addition, you have to use the cards for what they call “signature transactions.” I think that means you have to select credit instead of debit for the transaction type. (Yes, you can do that on a debit card and yes, the money still comes out of your account immediately.) I assume the banks get some kind of kickback from businesses whenever you use your debit card this way, which is why they can afford to offer you a great rate on your account balance.

For a list of banks offering high-yield checking accounts, check out highyieldcheckingdeals.com and make sure to read the fine print. Note that the banks marked with an asterisk will allow accounts to be opened even if you don’t live nearby. However, keep in mind these banks are usually quite small, so you might have to jump through a few hoops or put up with a clunky online banking system to open the account and transfer funds.