This video of McCain voguing is the best thing to appear on the Colbert Report in months. It’s definitely going in my already overflowing “filing cabinet of regrets” in a folder labeled “Things I Wish I Could Take Credit For.”

This McCain does Elvis version is pretty funny/creepy as well.

I was reading an article in Radar this morning about JuicyCampus.com and I had to see the site for myself. One visit will make you thank God you finished your education before the days of Facebook, Perez Hilton, and anonymous college gossip message boards. While I was perusing the latest rumors from Chicago universities, I found a riveting post titled “Beef Curtains” in which the author poses the question, “Which girl has the beefiest vag on campus?” Replies include first and last names of several girls whose lady parts are said to resemble an Arby’s Big Montana sandwich. I was appalled, and yet, I couldn’t stop reading.

Sites like this make me feel sorry for anyone looking for love or a new job these days. Of course, I can’t help but be a little envious that kids today are armed with so much more information before they try new things. Back in my day, we had to find out who had the Herp and who had a monster shlong the old fashioned way—through trial and error and the occasional warning posted in a bathroom stall. Of course, I still prefer a bit of mystery over the alternative—like worrying that my newest suitor could be scared off at any moment upon discovery that my junk allegedly smells like shrimp-fried rice. (I didn’t make that up. It’s another excerpt from the beef curtain post.)

Of course, Juicy Campus is just one of many sites devoted to letting people anonymously trash talk anyone who gets on their bad sides. Students have been using RateMyProfessors.com for years to decide which instructors to take and which to avoid. JobVent.com has been around for a while (to the dismay of human resources reps everywhere) and now, you can even find out if someone you know is a bad tipper by searching the Shitty Tipper Database at BitterWaitress.com. (In many cases, you can even see the exact date, location, and amount of the tip.)

A web-developer friend of mine has been saying for almost a decade that he wants to create a “Sexual Credit Score Website” and call it Sexperian. I used to laugh, but it seems clear now that a lot of other people share his vision of a world in which the most private of information is only a click away. (Someone has already created a spoof of the concept at FreePenisReport.com.) I’m sure all of this online slander is leading up to a huge lawsuit that may or may not keep some of it in check. Either way, it seems harder than ever to close the curtains and know that what we do in private will stay there—especially if those curtains are made of beef.

I just got back from a conference at Princeton University and I was completely blown away by the beauty of the campus. The grounds feature many different architectural styles, but the overwhelming number of beautiful graystone Gothic buildings was what impressed me most.

Walking around the campus made me remember how much I always wanted a PhD from an ivy league university. Then I remembered I’d probably have to take the GRE 15 times to get a Princeton-worthy score. I also remembered that there’s no subject I like enough to want to write a 200-page dissertation about it. And even if I could stand to write a dissertation, what then? What would a PhD possibly allow me to do that I can’t do already?

Once I had talked myself out of getting a Princeton PhD, I stopped by the university bookstore and spotted a brown T-shirt with Princeton spelled out in orange, collegiate-style letters. In that moment, I wondered if I could become the first student in history to pursue an ivy league PhD based solely on the appeal of the university’s branded apparel. Is that shallow? Sure, but if I’m going to devote four years of my life to a degree that’s mostly for show, I’ll need to remind people of my intellectual superiority as often as possible and I’ll need to look good while doing it. I hate maroon, so Harvard’s out. Forest green does nothing for my pasty complexion, so there goes Dartmouth. Cobalt and Navy blue are far too common, so that eliminates U Penn and Yale. (I don’t want anyone to spot me from across the room and think I went to Duke, for heaven’s sake!) Of course, there’s always Brown University with its namesake signature color, but I refused to support an institution whose founders believed brown should be paired with Coca-Cola red. Columbia’s bluish-purple or Cornell’s fire-engine red might work when I need a gym outfit that says, “I’m thinner AND smarter than you.”

Yet, in the end, there’s just no substitute for Princeton orange. Now if I could only find a subject in which I could feign an all-consuming interest for several years and compose an admissions essay that makes no mention of my admiration for Princeton’s wonderful selection of well-designed hoodies, T-shirts, and sweatpants. In the mean time, I plan to keep myself motivated by repeatedly trying on my Princeton tee until I’m convinced it looks appropriate enough to wear on Oprah. However, unlike Kirstie Alley, I won’t make things more awkward by incorporating a flowing silk remnant from the clearance bin at JoAnn Fabrics. If that fails, I’ll just steal one or two of Bill Cosby’s honorary doctorates, assuming he wasn’t already stripped of them when he started doing commercials for Jell-O brand pudding snacks.

I just love these safe-sex promoting posters from France. However, the first one seems a little irresponsible since it implies that you could get AIDS just from having someone lick your lady parts. Also, I don’t think scorpions’ tails can bend backward, but I’ll let that one slide.

If you’ve been thinking about getting a Chase Freedom card, I found a site where you can apply for it and get a $100 bonus (at least until this offer expires).

As another incentive, Chase recently announced that cardholders who also have Chase checking accounts will be able to get 3% back in their top five spending categories every month (instead of the usual three). The 3% back is capped at $600 in purchases per month. Even with that limit, the Chase Freedom card is still the best cash back card I know of.

I don’t know why critics have been so hard on the Sex and the City movie. I saw it Saturday night and thought it was great. Granted, it wasn’t as clever and quotable as a typical SATC episode, but I’m sure it’s much easier to give Carrie lots of great voiceover one-liners when you’re writing for a half-hour show that only has to tackle one very narrow topic. Whatever the movie lacked in humor and wit, it made up for in drama. I will admit, I found it bittersweet that the movie forces you to give up whatever fantasy lives you had imagined for the characters after the series ended. Yet, I think the writers stayed true to the series. There wasn’t anything out of character that made me want to put my fingers in my ears and go to my safe place. So, if you haven’t already seen it, you really should get your tickets immediately. And if you have seen it, I’m eager to get your thoughts via my handy SATC survey or a quick comment.

 Loading …