I caught Dirty Dancing in its pre-Broadway debut just a few weeks ago and was pleasantly surprised. Initially, I was very nervous that a Patrick-Swayze look alike might be forced to sing songs with awkward titles like “My Dance Partner’s Unplanned Pregnancy Brought Us Together.” I also couldn’t picture how they’d find a good rhyme for “Nobody puts baby in a corner” and “spaghetti arms”. Fortunately, the musical was exactly like the movie and almost all the lines were spoken. All the songs from the movie soundtrack were in there somewhere and there was a lot of dancing, both dirty and not-so-dirty.

Now that the Addams Family musical is set to premiere here in Chicago in December of 2009, I really feel like Chi-town’s musical theater scene is on a roll. All I want to know now is will Joan Cusak be making a cameo as Debbie, the gold-digging, blonde succubus and real star of Addams Family Values? Surely they’ll at least find a way to work in the Thanksgiving play from Camp Chippewa, right?

When did a stylish men’s cotton sweater become harder to find than a McCain T-Shirt at Urban Outfitters? I realize it’s not the most serious problem in the world, but I’m so sick of stores only carrying itchy, hot, high-maintenance wool sweaters. That’s why I nearly soiled myself with joy when I spotted not one but two soft, non-wooly sweaters during a recent expedition to the Banana Republic superstore on Michigan Avenue.

First, I spotted this cable-knit v-neck sweater in “white sail.” Although the label says hand-wash only, it’s 40% cotton and seems to do just fine in my machine. The only downside is that I look really clean when wearing it which tends to make more homeless people ask me for change.

Next, I found this nautical-inspired knit cardigan. I know it might not look like much in the photo, but it’s cuter in person. It’s 100% cotton and is one of the few cardigans I’ve seen that doesn’t make me look like a blonder, shaggier Mr. Rogers. I also like that the collar is short and easy to flip up without looking too douchey. I know it’s pricey, but every time I’ve been in the store in the last few weeks there’s some kind of sale going on. If you can’t catch it on sale, just sign up for the email promo list and wait for the tidal wave of coupons before you pull the trigger.

A few months ago, my best friend’s house burned to the ground and he lost everything. My heart went out to him as he struggled to put his life back together. I don’t know that I could have handled it as well as he did. I’ve always had a hard time letting go of past mistakes and misfortunes. I don’t always prioritize my problems properly and devote an appropriate amount of anxiety and attention to each one. I nearly had a panic attack last week when I thought I’d lost my Qdoba rewards card and would miss out on the free burrito I had earned.

Just before my friend’s house burned down, I had nearly reached my newest financial goal: to be able to pay off the entire balance of my half of the mortgage I share with my boyfriend. (Not that I planned to actually pay it off. I just needed a new goal and figured it was a good milestone to keep me motivated.) My friend, meanwhile, was struggling to maintain a financial balancing act. He was spending more than he was making, his savings was drying up, and he had been trying to sell his house for months in the hope of breaking even and lowering his expenses by renting a more affordable place. He’d frequently call me to discuss his money woes and I’d chastise him for leasing a Civic hybrid or buying some $10 face cream.

My friend is incredibly intelligent and I knew his financial troubles could have easily been my own. We both envied our friends who bought houses while we were still lowly renters. We’d both been waiting since our teens to finally unleash our unbridled renovation lusts. We both dreamed of violating beige walls with bold colors that would never be painted over in the name of a $500 security deposit. We shared the same dream of home ownership, and unfortunately, we both gave in to our urges when it was the worst thing we could have done with our money. Although we made similar mistakes, part of me felt smarter for taking on a more affordable mortgage and waiting until I had plenty in savings before buying a home. I felt the whole situation was a sort of vindication—a sign from God that I was the stalwart ant who sacrificed to stockpile food all summer and he was the capricious grasshopper who spent too much on face cream.

Once my friend had completed the tedious process of listing all of his possessions in a giant spreadsheet for his insurance agent, my empathy and my sense of superiority began to wane. He had a great insurance policy and in the end, he’d wind up far better off financially than he was before the fire. In fact, it soon became clear he’d wind up better off than I was, and my feelings of pity and pride shifted to jealousy and resentment. After undergrad, I bought a no-frills Ford Focus while my friend leased a new Jetta with leather interior. I creeped through grad school while working full time at a job I quickly grew to hate, but I stuck it out because my employer was paying for my degree and a lot more. Meanwhile, my friend racked up tons of student loan debt while going to law school full time. My friend wasn’t lighting cigars with $100 bills, but he definitely wasn’t as concerned about money as I was. And that was fine by me because I was going to be the rich one and it would all even out in the end.

Now I call my friend to bemoan my huge losses in the stock market while he recounts his recent windfalls—the latest check from the insurance agency that covers the full replacement value on 20 pairs of designer jeans or a tempting offer he’s received on the lot where his house once stood. It’s hard not to feel frustrated as I struggle to find meaning in it all. Am I supposed to go on a shopping spree? Was the real mistake my choice to invest in the stock market? Is God watching out for my friend because he’s more charitable than I am? These questions remain unanswered, but I did buy some new glasses and a $200 facial exfoliation device just in case the correct answer turns out to be (A). However, one thing I do know for sure is that regret is fairly useless because it’s so hard to know what the future holds.

A few days ago, I had to throw away some pears that went bad because I put them in a place on my counter where fruit always seems to ripen way too fast. As I thew them away, I thought about what an idiot I was for not putting the pears in the fridge where they’d keep longer. Even a day later, I had a passing thought about how I had wasted those pears. I knew it was a ridiculous thing to waste any time regretting, but I couldn’t shake the thought that those rotten pears were some sort of cosmic joke—that they proved the universe had it in for me in financial matters great and small. Then a very funny thing happened. I went to visit my parents on Sunday and, out of nowhere, my dad asked, “Do you like pears?” I said, “Sure,” and he handed me a bag full of pears he’d just picked from the trees near his garden. Now when I find myself obsessing about the hundreds or thousands of dollars I’ve lost as the result of some bad decisions or just a bit of bad luck, I try to keep in mind that you never know when life is going to hand you a bag full of pears.

I think this previous paragraph was supposed to conclude with a higher-level epiphany like, “Don’t resent other people’s good fortune,” or “The universe sends us whatever energy we send out.” But for now, you’ll have to settle for my gratitude that the universe sent me some pears. When those pears are suddenly worth 10 grand or my damn mutual funds recover, I’ll reevaluate my position on resentment.

I know everyone is probably tired of political news, but I thought this article was important enough to pass along. Democracy Now has an interesting and frightening interview with Mark Crispin Miller, a professor of media culture and communication at New York University. Mark is apparently well-versed on the vote-tampering and disenfranchising techniques that the Republicans used to steal the election in 2000 and 2004. In the interview, he discusses some of his concerns about problems that early voters have already encountered over the last month or so and he addresses the ACORN hype and hysteria. He also provides some insight on bizarre procedures for the management of electronic voting data in key swing states and talks about the ultra-conservative, computer-savvy folks who may very well fudge the results in McCain’s favor.

I promise to take a break from politics and post something mindless and fluffy very soon.

I have to admit that I think last night’s debate was McCain’s strongest performance so far (although that’s not saying much). He did a decent job of painting Obama to be a tax-and-spend, Socialism-loving liberal who wants to take money away from guys like Joe the plumber and give it to some anonymous welfare queen. I found a clip of Obama’s now legendary encounter with Joe, and it wasn’t quite as bad as I expected. However, I wish he had done more to clarify exactly how the tax increase works. Does it just increase the taxes on your personal income if you make over $250,000 after all your expenses and payroll costs are covered? Or is there some kind of double taxation going on here where more is going to be take off the top based on revenue before expenses? And if so, isn’t that avoidable as long as the business is a sole proprietorship or an LLC since the owners of these types of businesses only get taxed on what they make after every expense is covered and employee is paid? (My understanding is only corporations pay taxes on income before that income is distributed to employees.)

While I doubt that this is a game-changer for Obama, it is exactly the kind of issue that matters to swing voters like my parents. If the fact is that this guy is bringing home over 250K per year after all the businesses’ bills are paid, then I think Obama’s response was perfectly reasonable. However, Obama could have done more to point out that this guy is not some blue-collar everyman from a Bruce Springsteen song. He’s more like Jennifer Lopez—someone who now makes more than anyone else she grew up with, but still wants to be treated like “Jenny from the block.” And much like Jennifer Lopez, Joe is now appalled at how much it costs to employ a small army of Mexicans to do your bidding.

This video clip is amazing. After working so hard to get Americans to associate Obama with domestic terrorist Bill Ayers, I guess McCain finally realized things were getting a little out of hand. The woman who stands up at the end is well worth the wait.

I just started using mint.com to keep track of my finances and I’m really excited about its incredible set of features. In a nutshell, mint lets you keep tabs on all your savings accounts, investments, loans, and credit cards in one place. (There’s a nice video demo if you’d rather get more info before diving in.)

One of my favorite things about mint is that it provides tons of graphs and charts to help you see where your money is going. For me, it’s a great way to keep tabs on how much I spend eating out. I can even see how my spending in various categories compares with national averages and local averages by city. I can also get email or text-message reminders when a bill is due, my checking balance is low, or a credit card is near its limit.

Obviously some people will have concerns about the fact that mint needs the passwords to all your accounts in order to access them. However, I think the mint team is well aware that their survival depends on maintaining a very high level of security. In addition, some users might be comforted by the fact that mint doesn’t require you to provide your name, address, social security number, or other personal information that might help someone steal your identity.

The only downside I’ve encountered so far is that mint has had trouble accessing my Citibank account info. (The system just keeps giving me a message that states, “We’re having issues. They should be resolved by trying again later.) For now I’ll give mint the benefit of the doubt on that, but I’ll post a follow up at some point in the near future if it seems clear that the site is too buggy to be useful.

In these times of economic uncertainty, you might find the stress to be more than you can bear. You may feel like breaking down, and I can assure you that is a perfectly normal response. You may want to hit somebody until they feel as bad as you do. You may want to take out your aggression on strangers who fail to provide you with an appropriate level of customer service. You may even want to kill someone’s pet rabbit. But before you do, keep in mind that spontaneity has no place in a well-executed nervous breakdown. In order for your breakdown to be memorable and quoted for decades, you’ll need a well-rehearsed list of one-liners and a role model to emulate.

For example, if you feel a break down coming on at a hospital, doctor’s office, free clinic, or similar medical facility, you may want to draw inspiration from Shirley McClaine’s breakdown in Terms of Endearment.

If, however, you’re pushed over the edge by the death of a family member, a friend, a pet, or a celebrity, review Halle Berry’s work in Monster’s Ball. Alternatively, you may want to channel Sally Field in Steel Magnolias.

On the other hand, if you feel you’re just not getting the respect you deserve or a minor oversight is ready to send you over the edge, you can’t go wrong with Faye Dunaway in Mommie Dearest. (For guidance on road rage and parking spot theft, you may want to cross-reference Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes.)

When infidelity strikes, don’t hold back. A misdemeanor on your record is a small price to pay for a nervous breakdown that the neighbors will recount for years, as Angela Basset so brilliantly demonstrates in Waiting to Exhale. (If possible jail time is a concern, you may want to invoke a more witness-friendly approach to adultery retaliation as demonstrated by Diane Keaton in The First Wive’s Club.)

To recap, here are a few tips to help you plan your next loss of sanity:

• In a pinch, poor customer service can justify a breakdown on short notice, but save your outrage for low-security businesses such as fast-food chains and dry cleaners. A superb nervous breakdown at a bank or airport could be cut short by an inelegant taser zap or billy club blow to the head.
• Don’t leave your audience hanging. Smoking a cigarette can help punctuate your breakdown and provide closure.
• Arson can ensure that your breakdown is taken seriously. Be sure to research local ordinances and assess collateral damage before choosing a location.
• Incorporate music whenever possible. Pay a day laborer to follow you around with a boombox blaring “Sisters Are Doing It for Themselves” or Gnarls Barkley’s “Crazy.” This investment will yield high dividends in the long run.