While on vacation, I saw the following public service announcement that took me on a roller coaster of emotions.

At first I thought, “Oh my god! What’s this? A promo for a new TV series in which Sharon plays a ball-busting attorney who pulls no punches? Or maybe she’s a man-eating executive who manages her lady business with an iron fist. Or maybe she’s playing a ruthless photographer who will stop at nothing to have all of her skin flaws washed out by a large floodlight that her personal assistant shines on her wherever she goes.” Then she said she could leave me weak, limp, twisted, and confused, and I was sure she must be talking about that aggressive girl I dated for a few weeks in 11th grade. Then I realized this was some weird PSA to help people learn the symptoms of a stroke.

I’m not sure what’s worse—the way she chokes up at the end or the bizarre flash bulb effect or the fact that her face is cropped so closely I was afraid it would come out of the TV and get me like that soggy girl in The Ring. But, in my ongoing commitment to no longer pity people who have more money than me, I refuse to feel sorry for Sharon. She probably made more money for kicking Arnold Schwartzenegger in the balls while filming Total Recall than I make in a semester of verbally abusing college students for building ugly websites. So, despite her battle with spontaneous brain bleeding, she’ll get no pity from me.

A loyal reader recently informed me that Green Day’s latest album was available for download on Amazon for $4.99 within the first few days of its release. Apparently, this has become something of a trend for Amazon. So, if there’s something relatively mainstream that you wouldn’t mind owning when it “drops” (as the kids say), keep an eye on Amazon for a very temporary price break.

Also, I recently discovered that Amazon runs a monthly promo called 50/$5 in which the editors throw together a random assortment of fifty albums all available for $5 each. For May 2009, there’s an interesting grab bag that includes albums by Death Cab for Cutie, Dolly Parton, Kanye West, Etta James, and Culture Club.

I’ve been saying for years that I wish someone would develop a truly affordable prefab home. Dwell magazine has been pushing prefab for years, but everything I’ve ever seen has run at least $200 a square foot.

MSN recently posted an article about the i-House, a new prefab home developed by Clayton homes, one of the country’s biggest mobile home builders. The base model is around 1,000 square feet and retails for around $100,000. This could be a huge leap forward for truly affordable, (relatively) stylish prefab housing, since the main problem thus far has been a lack of support from major construction companies with the resources to produce a large number of homes while keeping materials and labor costs low.

Check out the Clayton website for a tour of sample models.

Amazon is offering $20 off “fashion sneakers” when you spend $80 or more. I’m not sure if unfashionable sneakers receive any comparable discount.

I’ve got my eye on these brown and baby blue Ben Shermans.

When I was in high school, I felt sorry for Paula Abdul. She hadn’t had a hit in years. Head Over Heels (possibly her greatest artistic achievement) was a flop and I wondered if the world would ever hear from her again. Obviously we all know how this story ends: Paula boards the American Idol money train and laughs at me all the way to the bank (assuming she knows where she is at the time).

Still, I felt that twinge of pity when I went to PaulaAbdul.com after hearing that Paula has a new album in the works. I wondered what possessed Paula to keep milking American Idol for all it’s worth in such shameless ways—particularly after the country showed little interest in “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow.”

I wasn’t surprised to find Paula hawking fan club memberships for $34.99 on her homepage, but I was a little dismayed that the membership provided a bag of swag that looked like it was assembled from random crap Paula found in her garage: a signed photo, a “personal” letter from Paula, and a tote bag? (For an extra $10, you can get a star-shaped ring that looks like it was purchased with skeeball tickets from the prize counter of a Chuck-E-Cheese.) Then there’s all the crap she’s shilling on the Home Shopping Network, like this blanket with giant buttons and this woodland creature neck brace. Just as I started to sigh and wonder why Paula keeps humiliating herself and selling her soul in $34.99 increments, I thought, “I can work my entire life doing the most lucrative thing I know how to do and I will never be as rich as Paula Abdul.”

But it gets worse. You see, Paula sets the bar far too high. The truth is, despite the fact that I make a respectable salary at my white-collar job, despite my employer’s generous 401K matching, and despite my best efforts to invest wisely, I will probably work for several decades and still not amass the amount of money Melissa Joan Heart was paid for two seasons of Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Hell, I probably won’t make as much money this year as Kathy Najimy was paid for her supporting role in Hocus Pocus. I can’t even remember the name of the actress who played Topenga on Boy Meets World, but I can almost guarantee you she has made more money in her lifetime than I have.

It’s easy to make peace with the fact that I’ll never be Olsen-twins rich. Obviously their level of success is one-in-a-billion and I can tell myself that a certain level of fame and fortune comes with many strings attached. However, it’s a little harder to accept that my current net worth might be less than that of the girl who played Kimmy Gibler on Full House.

Maybe it’s just me. Perhaps everyone else is fine with the knowledge that while they’re ordering water to keep their Applebee’s check under control, Mayim Bialik is buying another vacation house with her Blossom royalties. However, I, for one, will not shed another tear for celebs who’ve passed their prime. From this day forward, I won’t worry whether or not Toni Braxton is going to be able to make her mortgage payments. I won’t lose sleep wondering if Gates McFadden has had trouble getting work since Star Trek: The Next Generation went off the air. And I certainly won’t ask God to send Paula Abdul some dignity and a new hit single. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go stuff some tote bags in preparation for the launch of my Frugal Fag Goody Bag collection. They come complete with a letter thanking you for buying the bag, an autographed photo, and a plastic kazoo or equivalent Dollar-Store party favor, e.g., a troll-doll pencil topper or spooky spider ring.