Of course you haven’t, because it doesn’t exist. Well, it might exist, but it’s probably locked in some vault two miles below his North Carolina estate. And even if the tape was “leaked” to YouTube, I doubt 30 intimate minutes of him and Elizabeth feeding each other ice cream while watching “The Notebook” would do much to raise his profile.

John, I hope you’re reading this, because America really wants to see more of you. And by “America,” I mean me. Sadly, your strapping, corn-fed thunder has been stolen by Hillary and Barack—two shriveled prudes wouldn’t know sexy if it danced around in their living rooms in a leopard-print thong.

What you need is a video with real viral marketing potential to skyrocket you to the forefront of the 2008 presidential race. What you need is a steamy gay sex tape. Of course, deciding to make a sex tape is the easy part. The hard part is choosing a costar. But don’t despair. I’ve come up with a list of suggestions and my readers are here to help you select a winner.

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