What is there to say about the Britney VMAs mess that won’t have already been said by the time you read this? I feel the whole incident has left me with more questions than answers. Questions like:
- Who told her it was a good idea to wear the bedazzled bra and panties? When Janet puts on a few pounds, she has the sense to squeeze her rolls into a flattering corset. (It’s not like she needed the lung capacity to sing during the performance.) The outfit looked like something even Beyonce’s mother would have rejected in a meeting with her sweatshop managers.
- Why did she go with extensions? Why not just go with a cute short cut or a wig she could rip off during the performance? A good wig rip-off always goes over well at a drag show.
- Why didn’t the routine include any of the key live performance elements a female pop star needs to excite gay men and pre-teen girls? There was no descent from the ceiling in a large disco ball or spaceship or abstract glowing orb. There were no wild animals on stage and no costume changes. (Ideally, I only applaud a costume change in which an outer layer of conservative clothes is ripped off to reveal a sexy number underneath, but I would have settled for an off-stage switcheroo in this case.) There was insufficient lesbian action, a complete dearth of dry humping. All in all, I doubt a single gay man was even consulted in the planning process.
- Why perform at all if you’re not going to blow everyone away? Surely the album sales would have been better if Britney just stayed home and locked the door from now ’til Christmas.
With this whole mess behind us, I think we need to move forward and focus on the positives. Britney’s disastrous performance paves the way for more time-tested divas to make comebacks this holiday season. Celine, Mariah, Madonna, and Whitney are all supposed to be releasing albums soon, and God knows there ain’t much room for old ladies to sit at the kids’ table, what with Beyonce’s seat already being reserved for Rihanna, Nelly Furtado refusing to age, and Fergie sporting a girl scout uniform and sucking on lollipops to help distract people from what crystal meth abuse has done to her face. (Actually, strike that. Fergie, you look great—all things considered. Me love you long time.)
For better or worse, it looks like Celine’s collaboration with Timbaland has been nixed from the upcoming album, along with any other hip-hop inspired songs. A preview of one of the songs from the album is available over at Perez, and it sounds like it’ll make lots of soccer moms smile when it comes on the satellite radio at their local grocery stores. Perhaps that’s for the best. Celine had the sense to start the Vegas show and embrace adult contemporary at just the right time. It makes me more than a bit nervous to imagine her promoting a pop album at this stage in her career. I keep having nightmares in which she stops by TRL, gives a shout out to Renée and the kids, then flashes her junk at the paparazzi while painting the town with Barbara Streisand.
What will become of Mariah’s next album remains to be seen. I fear she’s due for a career-ending flop since the last album was so successful, but maybe she’ll prove me wrong. The naked photo on the cover of Interview didn’t seem too flattering to me, but I guess it’s better than she looked during the Constipation of MiMi tour. As for Whitney, I doubt we’ll be hearing any leaked songs from that album any time soon because I get the feeling there’s nothing to leak. I’m sure it’s tough to record an album from your home-based recording studio when Georgia Power keeps turning the lights off.
I did get a chance to catch the leaked Madonna-Timbaland collaboration “The Beat Goes On” a while back before it was taken off of YouTube, and I was totally underwhelmed. I’d like to think the song with Justin Timberlake will be better, but how much Justin Timberlake and Timbaland does the world really need? I wish she’d just find some undiscovered producers to work with and take a big risk rather than working with Nelly Furtado’s sloppy seconds. Of course, she probably shouldn’t listen to me since I’m one of the sixteen people who bought and liked American Life.